


panic lights, it's a red alert

by biblionerd07



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brief mention of self-harm, Chronic Pain, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 09:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12745614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biblionerd07/pseuds/biblionerd07
Summary: Steve has to get Bucky out of Wakanda. He wishes Bucky weren't acting like that's an imposition.





	panic lights, it's a red alert

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ndegenzuri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ndegenzuri/gifts).



> Thank you so much to [ndegenzuri](https://ndegenzuri.tumblr.com) for donating to Fandom Loves Puerto Rico and thank you everyone for bidding and being SO AMAZING! I'm so in awe of what we can do with the power of fandom. So! You asked for "Steve/Bucky, really severe headaches, preferably established relationship with a decent amount of fluff, bonus points if Clint and Natasha get decent screentime, because I think they're both great?" I...must admit I went a bit off-book, but it IS Steve/Bucky, it DOES feature severe headaches, the established relationship is a bit of a question (for everyone), and the fluff is...I'm not sure about the fluff. The ending is very soft though! Oh dear, the more I write in this author's note the more I'm worried it's completely not what you hoped for, especially with your so valid reasonings. I hope this fits what you wanted!
> 
> I was also sort of navigating the question mark of Black Panther and what's going to happen to Wakanda and probably took the easiest cop out. Sorry, not really that sorry.

“Hey Buck?” Steve was aiming for soothing with his tone, but he’s pretty sure he just ended up with hesitant. It’s definitely closer to how he feels. Bucky looks up at him but doesn’t respond verbally and Steve tries to hold back a sigh.

Bucky’s been out of cryo for six hours. He still hasn’t spoken. Steve has no idea if he should be worried about that. He knows things are different now—he _knows_ that. It doesn’t make it any easier to handle, though. And Steve’s trying to be supportive, and Steve’s trying not to be demanding, but this has been a year of shitstorms followed by more shitstorms and Steve doesn’t know how much more he can take. If he didn’t have Sam this past year, Steve has no idea what he would’ve done.

“We gotta move,” Steve says, reverting to strategy to avoid getting emotional. He knows Bucky’s a weak spot for him—everyone knows it, by now—but he needs to stay focused. With everything that’s happened with Ross and Wakanda, they have to leave. No one knows Bucky’s there, even with all the upheaval of the last few months, and Steve will be grateful forever that T’Challa is an honorable man who didn’t use Bucky as a bargaining chip. But he’d like to _keep_ it secret, which means Bucky has to come on the run with him, triggers be damned.

Bucky nods and stands. He wavers a little and Steve lurches forward. Bucky cringes away and Steve freezes, one hand outstretched in the space between them. Steve swallows hard and drops his hand.

“You okay?” He asks. Bucky nods, not meeting Steve’s eyes. Steve clenches his jaw and bites his lip and moves the fuck on. He doesn’t have time to fall apart over Bucky’s distance right now.

Bucky sticks close behind Steve, automatically taking Steve’s flank and watching the rear while Steve covers the front. At least that’s the same, Steve thinks, not too bitterly. He and Bucky always did move seamlessly into battle. During everything with Stark and Zemo and Siberia, Steve had thought that was a good sign. He’d thought that meant he and Bucky were still—

Well.

That was before Stark blew Bucky’s arm off, before Bucky chose cryo. Maybe things would’ve been different if that fight had ended differently. Maybe things would be different if that fight hadn’t happened at all. Maybe Steve should’ve just let Bucky run, back in Romania, not chased after him and forced the toppling dominos that led to so much carnage.

“Steve,” Bucky breathes. “Come on.”

Steve starts a little. Bucky’s voice is gritty but his words are sure. Steve blinks. They’ve come to front of the compound. They haven’t met a single obstacle. T’Challa told Steve the way would be clear; he sure delivered on that.

“Sorry,” Steve mumbles. “This way.”

He leads Bucky to the jet waiting for them. It’s sort of like one of Stark’s QuinJets, but Steve has no idea where it came from. Fury showed up with it in Mongolia four months ago and Steve never bothered asking. He has no idea if the US government as a whole is still looking for their little band of fugitives, but Stark isn’t. He hasn’t used the phone Steve gave him, and Steve is selfishly glad. He’s going to help if the world, if the people, need him, but he’s not sure how he’s going to react the next time he sees someone who was willing to kill Bucky.

Steve’s never handled that graciously.

“Hm,” Sam says once they get onboard. “No ice cream in that freezer with you?”

Bucky snorts and takes a seat without speaking. Sam raises his eyebrows and goes back to the pilot’s seat. Steve joins him in the cockpit and leans back against the headrest, sighing.

“Good?” Sam asks.

“Fine,” Steve answers. It’s a lie and Sam no doubt knows that, but he doesn’t push. They already talked about this on the way here, that Bucky would be dealing with a lot and Steve needed to manage his expectations. Sam doesn’t really like having the same conversations over and over when Steve’s going to ignore what he says anyway.

“Did you radio ahead to tell them we’re coming?” Steve asks. He’s sure Sam did, but he needs to say something.

“Yep,” Sam confirms. “Nat’s going to get there around the same time we do.”

Steve huffs. “Oh, sure, _now_ she comes.”

“Coming for Barnes,” Sam jokes. “You jealous?”

Steve’s words stick in his throat. He knows Sam is teasing. He _knows_. But—but. Everything is different now, and Bucky isn’t talking, and it turns out he knew Natasha all along, and…Steve forces up a laugh that sounds hollow to his own ears.

“Maybe.”

Sam shakes his head. “What did I say this morning?”

“I know,” Steve says.

“What did I _say_ , Steve?”

“I need to realize things are different and Bucky’s not exactly who I remember.”

“Okay.” Sam says. After a minute, he adds, “You know, it’s okay if you _are_ jealous. I know they don’t put that down as one of the attributes on Captain America’s action figure box, but human Steve gets to be jealous and mad and scared sometimes.”

“I don’t think they’re still making Captain America action figures,” Steve says dryly, like Sam’s words don’t mean a lot to him.

Sam rolls his eyes. “Whatever, man. Treason or not, you’re a damn cash cow. You’re probably selling more action figures now than before. People trust you more than they trust the government.”

“You think they’re selling more Falcon action figures now too?” Steve asks. Sam had been so excited to see his action figure. And Sam’s mom bought about twenty of them.

“Yes, and I’m _pissed_ ,” Sam says. “You know I’m not getting a penny of those royalties now.”

Steve actually laughs, a real laugh. It’s small, but it’s there. He smiles over at Sam. “Thanks.”

“Don’t get mushy on me while I’m flying,” Sam says, but he shoots Steve a wink that makes him laugh again. Steve feels calmer now, more settled.

“Are _you_ jealous Natasha’s only coming for Bucky?” Steve teases. He knows Sam and Natasha have ‘hooked up’, as Sam put it, a few times.

“Hell no,” Sam says. “You put us both in a room and you think I’m worried I’m getting left out in the cold? Please. I have my own action figure. And have you seen my abs? No science necessary for _this_ body. It’s all biology.”

“That is true,” Steve says. “I wouldn’t kick you out of bed.”

Sam flips him off and Steve laughs.

 

They touch down in Budapest a few hours after sundown. Steve hasn’t slept in nearly two days. Not all of that is because they were coming to get Bucky—he just hasn’t been sleeping much at all. Bucky was asleep every time Steve left the cockpit. Or pretending to be, anyway.

Steve pushes the thought away and touches Bucky’s shoulder gently.

“Buck.”

Bucky opens his eyes. “Where are we?”

“Budapest,” Steve says slowly. He told Bucky that’s where they were going before they left T’Challa’s palace. Did Bucky already forget? Does cryo cause memory loss or is that from HYDRA?

“I know,” Bucky says. “But where?”

That makes Steve feel better. “Fury’s got a safehouse.”

“No one knows about it?”

Steve raises an eyebrow. “No one knew he faked his own death,” he points out. “He can hide a safehouse.”

Bucky shrugs. He follows Sam off the jet without another word. Steve blows out a breath. He can give Bucky time. He can.

They weave their way through the streets to find the safehouse. They weren’t allowed to write down directions or the address, but Sam doesn’t seem to have any trouble remembering as he leads the way. Bucky hardly looks up. Steve thinks that’s a little weird. When they were kids, Bucky was always looking around, curious about everything. And Steve remembers Bucky being watchful during everything after Romania. Observant. But Bucky’s head is down and his eyes are on the back of Sam’s shoes. Maybe he has enhanced peripheral vision or something. Steve swallows down his questions and stays focused.

Sam does the complicated knock and whistle pattern Clint taught them and the door opens slowly. Steve glances at Bucky and catches sight of his bemused face before Bucky ducks his head again.

“The Widow’s here,” Scott tells them, all lowered voice and shifty eyes, and Sam scoffs.

“This door is soundproof, bulletproof, and Hulk-proof, and you’re using codenames inside?”

“She said I had to,” Scott defends himself.

“She’s trolling you.”

“I don’t care,” Scott says. “I’m not crossing her. I thought we’d have insect solidarity, but I don’t know if she even knows what solidarity means.”

“She does,” Sam says, eyes narrowing slightly.

“Spiders eat ants,” Steve points out, his own protection of Natasha bubbling up. “She’s keeping with the food chain.”

Scott makes a face and Sam cackles. Steve glances at Bucky again as they head up the stairs. He’s still blank, head down, no sign he’s listening. Steve sighs.

Natasha gives him a squeezing hug. She nods at Bucky, who nods back. Then she turns to Sam, a small smile on her face.

“We’ll have to double up on rooms.”

“Oh, hell yes,” Sam says. “I’m tired. Let’s go.”

Natasha laughs and they take off down the hall. Steve feels oddly bereft, alone here with Bucky. He used to spend the majority of his time alone with Bucky, very happily so, and then he spent the majority of his time _wishing_ he was alone with Bucky. Now he doesn’t know what to do.

“Um, she wasn’t lying about doubling rooms,” Scott says cautiously. “I didn’t think you two would mind sharing.”

“We don’t,” Steve says automatically. That’s never been a problem for them, even if they were really just sleeping. He doesn’t know how true his words are right now, though. But he figures if Bucky has to share with anyone, he’d choose Steve. Wouldn’t he? Even after everything, surely he would still pick Steve over anyone else. He chose cryo over Steve, but sharing a room with Scott wasn’t an option then.

Scott points out the way, mumbling something about food and dinner and showers. Steve feels bad for the guy. He seems pretty sociable, a guy who’s used to having friends, and being fugitives hasn’t been great for that. He also has a kid he’s missing, and that has to make everything worse.

Steve claps Scott on the shoulder. “Thanks,” he says. “We’ll come back out after we get settled.”

Scott brightens a bit at that, though Steve would really love to collapse into bed. _Sometimes we make sacrifices_ , he reminds himself sternly. Then he feels bad for thinking of camaraderie as a sacrifice.

“You want a shower?” Steve asks Bucky. Bucky licks his lips and shrugs.

“Probably should,” he says. His voice sounds strained. Steve looks at him a little closer. He’s pale. He’s sweating a little bit.

“Buck?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Because—”

“I said I’m fine,” Bucky snaps. Steve closes his mouth with a click, but it’s not like he’s ever been great at keeping it closed.

“I’m sorry you’re stuck here with me,” he shoots back hotly. “We couldn’t exactly move the cryo pod out of Wakanda.”

“Steve, that’s not—”

“I don’t know what I did, Buck! I’ve thought about it over and over and I can’t figure out what made you so mad. I tried to show you I’d never put anyone or anything else above you, but you chose cryo to get away from me. So I tried to respect that, and you’re mad I got you out of there. What was I supposed to do? Let them take you in, do more experiments, use you again? Or just let you die?”

“Steve.” Bucky’s voice is harsh as he cuts in this time. Steve’s breathing hard. The doors to this place may be soundproof, but the internal walls probably aren’t, and now everyone just heard Steve throw a temper tantrum. He sits down on the bed. Because of course there’s only one.

“I didn’t choose cryo over you.” Bucky sounds like he’s in pain. Steve balls his hands into fists to avoid reaching out to touch him. Bucky made it abundantly clear that he did not want that.

“It felt like it.”

“I’m not safe, Steve.”

“We could figure it out,” Steve says stubbornly.

“Yeah, well, we’re gonna have to,” Bucky points out tiredly. He sits down beside Steve and scrubs his hand over his face. He closes his eyes hard, screwing up his whole face. “I chose cryo to keep everyone safe from me. And because…Steve, it’s _easier_. Can’t you see that? It’s easier for all of us.”

“It’s not easier for me,” Steve chokes out. “I thought you died. And then you came back but you were—and then we found you and you were _you_ , mostly, and you still left.”

Bucky sighs. He slumps a little, leaning against Steve’s shoulder. Steve blinks hard, eyes hot with tears. “Being out of cryo hurts,” Bucky murmurs.

“It’ll get better with time,” Steve promises. “I had a hard time—”

“No, Steve,” Bucky interrupts, gently this time. “I mean physically. Everything hurts.”

Steve blinks. “What?”

Bucky laughs bitterly. “My serum isn’t the same as yours, you know. It isn’t as good. And I got frozen and thawed over and over. My body’s breaking down. The serum’s fixing it, but…” Bucky licks his lips. “Does yours hurt while you heal?”

Steve has to think about it. He hasn’t been majorly injured recently, which is a kind of miracle. He nods. “Yeah, a bit. Not as bad as I used to feel, though.”

Bucky closes his eyes again. “Well, that’s good.”

“Sorry,” Steve says, feeling a bit like an ass. Bucky just admitted he’s always in pain, and Steve made it about himself.

“No, I’m glad,” Bucky says. He sounds like he means it, and Steve wants to curl around him, lie back on this bed and wrap him up in his arms. “But I…” Bucky exhales shakily. “I’m never out of cryo long. I mean, I wasn’t. With—before. One day, two, three at the absolute most. I.” He swallows hard. “I get sick.”

“Sick how?” Steve asks.

Bucky cracks one eye. “My head feels like it’s splitting apart. And it’ll be like that for…two days, probably. If I’m lucky I’ll get a day or two where it doesn’t hurt as bad. But it always comes back to this. It’s just. I can’t handle it, Steve. I can’t. I gotta go back into cryo.” His hand is shaking and his breathing is ragged. Steve’s seen Bucky in pain more times than he can count—he still has nightmares about getting Bucky off Zola’s table, but there were so many times as kids when Bucky sprained his ankle chasing after Steve, or lost a tooth in a fight, or got a cut from a broken bottle. Steve can tell Bucky’s hurting bad. It makes his heart lurch.

“What’d you do while you were on the run?” Steve asks, giving into the urge to squeeze Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky inhales sharply and Steve hopes that didn’t hurt.

“You sure you want to know?”

It’s ominous enough to churn Steve’s stomach. “Of course I do.”

Bucky shrugs. “Knocked myself out. Pain meds don’t work, drinking doesn’t work, drugs don’t really work, and I couldn’t trust myself not to go crazy on ‘em anyway. So I just…” He shrugs.

“What?” Steve says. “How?”

Bucky huffs. “Metal arm, Steve.”

“Bucky,” Steve says, horrified. “That can’t make your headaches _better_.” He blurts it out without thinking, then cringes. It’s true, probably, but now might not be the best time to say it.

Bucky laughs a little, though. He leans heavier into Steve’s side. “Probably not. But I wasn’t exactly worrying about long-term, you know?”

“That’s the only thing that makes it better?” Steve asks.

“I don’t know. Only thing I could find,” Bucky admits. “Sleeping it off helps. Keeping my eyes closed.”

Steve reaches tentatively toward Bucky’s head and brushes his fingers lightly through the hair by Bucky’s temple. Bucky whimpers.

“Does that hurt?” Steve whispers.

“No.”

“No?” Steve asks.

“Not any worse than it already does,” Bucky amends.

“Okay,” Steve says. He slides over, further onto the bed, and pulls Bucky’s head down into his lap. Bucky goes with it, pliant, even though he could resist and push Steve off if he wanted. Steve brushes his fingers through Bucky’s hair. His heart is hammering. It’s ridiculous. He and Bucky have been in this position, and swapped, a million times. There’s no reason to be so nervous about it. But Bucky sighs, a soft exhale against Steve’s thigh, and Steve’s breath catches.

“Is that okay?” Steve asks nervously, willing his hands not to shake.

“Yeah,” Bucky says. Steve has no idea if Bucky’s just humoring him. But why would he? He didn’t bother the whole way here.

Part of Steve doesn’t care if Bucky _is_ lying. It proves he wants Steve around, right? Then he scolds himself internally. Keeping Bucky around isn’t good enough if he’s in excruciating pain the whole time.

“Bucky,” he murmurs. Bucky grunts. “Bruce and Thor are on their way. From…space? I guess? But between the two of them—I mean, Bruce has kind of, uh, tested stuff. On himself. So he might have an idea. And Thor’s just…more technologically advanced. And immortal. So maybe they can help.”

“Alright.”

Steve takes a deep breath. “But until then, I mean…will you tell me what I can do? To help?”

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a long time. Steve has to keep biting his lip to stop himself from pushing. Steve remembers hurting all the time. It made everything else fuzzy, harder to deal with. He has to let Bucky think it over.

“This helps.”

“Does it really?” Steve asks.

Bucky huffs. “Helps to think you care.”

Steve breathes out. “I care,” he confirms. “A lot.”

“Yeah. I know.” Bucky moves his head a tiny bit, just a bit of a turn, and his lips come into contact with Steve’s leg. Steve breathes shakily. He’s probably overreacting. But he can’t help it. He has tears in his eyes. Having Bucky here, hearing Bucky speak—it’s still so fresh and new. Knowing Bucky’s in pain and hardly being able to do anything is killing him. He rubs gently at Bucky’s temples and Bucky lets out a long sigh. It sounds positive, unless Steve’s wishful thinking is clouding his judgment.

“We’ll fix this,” Steve promises. Bucky makes a noise in the back of his throat. Skeptical but placating, if Steve’s remembering right. Steve can’t help himself; he leans down and kisses Bucky’s temple, right where his hair starts, where Steve’s hands had been a second ago. “We will.”

“Okay,” Bucky says. He sighs and relaxes further against Steve. “I’m gonna go to sleep. Will you…” He stops for a second, but then he clears his throat and pushes forward. “Will you keep, uh, rubbing my head like that?”

“Of course, Buck,” Steve promises, competing emotions putting him on the brink. Of what, he’s not sure, but his heart is full. He’s so happy Bucky wants him here, glad he can do anything to help, but offering a short-term solution to something that’s hurting Bucky isn’t sitting well with him. “I won’t go anywhere,” Steve goes on. “I’ll stay right here with you.”

“I know you will.” Bucky’s smiling softly, though Steve can still see he’s in pain. Bucky settles, weight warm and heavy in Steve’s lap, and closes his eyes. Steve readies himself for a long night. He doesn’t know if he can actually do anything to make Bucky feel better, but he’s sure as hell going to try. After all, he’s never been one to back down from a challenge, especially when it’s Bucky in the balance.

Steve leans down and kisses Bucky’s head again. Bucky smiles without opening his eyes, and he breathes steadier. He falls asleep under Steve’s hands, and Steve doesn’t move. He stays right there with him the whole night, and he’s ready to stay there for as many nights as Bucky needs.


End file.
